We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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