I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
