I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
