My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
