i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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