At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
