you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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