Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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