I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
