just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
