I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
