Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
