Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
i out mim tonsoeep
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
