i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
