I can text with my tongue
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
