It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
