it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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