goodnight i made you a song goodbye
People with herpes should wear stickers.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
