there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
