I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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