remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
