Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
