I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
