Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
