Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
