yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
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