VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
