Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
