shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
