Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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