Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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