She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
