How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
