i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
