Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
