I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You can't motorboat a personality
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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