my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Dignity is for republicans.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
