I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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