I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
