if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
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