My friends, they love my intelligence
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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