i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
