babies were throwing up all over the place
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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