Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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