Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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