so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
