shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
