between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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