I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
