No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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