Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
