a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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