i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
