I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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